I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize