I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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