a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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