He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
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It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
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You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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