There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
