i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
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My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
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my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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