Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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