I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
