dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
