just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
