Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You may now shotgun with the bride
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Can you bring me the toilet please
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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