I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
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I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
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i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.