I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌