I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
