I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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