The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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