She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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