If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
