she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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