I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
