So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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