I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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