what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
