I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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