so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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