Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
