I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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