I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
stop calling my apartment porn island.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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