Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
