It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
