Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
