can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm bleeding and have questions
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
