remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
