Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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