Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
