im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
