the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
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