I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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