This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
These 23 People Had Coworkers From Hell
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
She needs sedatives and a leash
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting