Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
Terrible brother advice.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail