I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
