covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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