it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
