I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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