Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
