You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
There r osticjed everywhere
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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