just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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