My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
The police scanner is talking about you again....
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
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