OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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