Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
