And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
