if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
