If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
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