Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
