I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
whose ass print is on the piano?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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