My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
