dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
