Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
