i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
